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My heart is full of emotions right now. Trying to process these emotions and understanding why that kind of reaction on that moment, on that situation from both of us.

I’m kind of sad actually; a little bit of frustration is also trying to sneak.

I realized that there’s still a lot to acknowledge and process with my self and with my relationships. There are moments on that thought flow that is making me scared, I’m getting frightened on the what if’s scenarios playing on my mind, it’s getting harder for me to breathe thinking that we can’t catch up with each other, that I cannot catch up and my best is not / will not be good enough.

I’m threading on a new phase and it’s kind of difficult for me.

thoughts…

A lot is on my mind…will write again….soon!

Thought flow…

There are times when an emotion hits you out of the blue…when that happens, what will one do? A lot of options can be at hand but I follow what suits me best.

When something or someone triggers my emotion, I process. It can take hours or days, depends how long will it linger inside me. After too much process, I acknowledge, and then accept. After that if there are things to be done or things to say, I’ll do or speak whatever it is. Lastly, I let go and move on.

Easy to say, hard to do but that’s life. One cannot dwell too much, it can kill the soul.

It’s been a year…

…I want to remember this day with a light heart, without tears, without sadness but to be honest I can’t.

I want to accept that things always happened for a reason, and that reason is always been for the best…I still can’t.

I want to forgive myself…I still can’t.

I want to move on, let go…I can’t…I won’t…I’m not yet ready…

Every day I hope that the pain, the sadness will be less, every day I try to deal life as usual, pretending each day will be better in spite of the different problems I encounter and handle and it’s not easy, but I still try.

I’m trying, I’m pretending…I’m dealing with my demons, my issues, my problems and the in between. On top of that, I need to be a mother, a wife,a daughter, a sister, a friend…

I want to cry my heart out but I can’t. A lot have to be reconsider before I can really let myself go…

I need help, I need guidance, I need patience and understanding, I need love, I need conversation, I need not to be judge…just let me be.

My refuge is my faith…I prayed that I will always have the strength and courage to deal with these.

eleventh month…4.29.10

I started my day late, like most of my days I started it with a cup of coffee, then I browsed the newspaper, then I planned the menu for dinner. I checked on the fridge, no more food to cooked, in my head I planned to go the market to buy what I’m going to cook for tonight and for tomorrow. I took a shower then off to the market. As soon as I got back home, I prepared my ingredients and started to cook. When the clock strikes 7.30 p.m., dinner was ready to serve and the family had their dinner.

Then “the blues strikes in”…yeah, it’s the day of the month, I suddenly remember, noooo….I suddenly felt it…then I remembered.

Melancholy…tears…keeping the FAITH!

2010,26,03

I slept last night with a heavy heart, too many thoughts, and so many sentiments but still make it a point to be hopeful no matter what. Said a prayer to dear mother, ask for guidance and help, then off to dream land and wish to wake up to a bright and happy day.

A dear friend asked me out for dinner, so, together with our hubbies, my kiddo and another dear friend we eat our tummy out with good Chinese food. After dinner we went to ATH, to have our “coffee after dinner thing” and yummy desserts, aaah that’s life! Good food with great friends!

If only….

Every story about babies and preggy friends will not make me sad, bonding with friends will always be happy on my end. My bad, still grieving…memories flashes into my mind as I recapped the night.

Then…

…became upset because of some remarks.

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I never demand or ask. It’s not fair to compare.

9 month…still…

Nine month passed, it falls on my birth month.

The whole February was depressing for me; I’m that way on my birth month. And it’s like a double whammy coz of my grieving issues.

I’m at a crossroad now. I can’t make up my mind on what to do with my life. If only funds are not a question I can easily take a leap, but that is the reality of my life I have to deal with.

Every day is a passing day. I need to wake up on this state.

Little baby steps…keeping the faith.

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